A Crashing Course in Telling the Truth

This is a terribly long post, I’m warning you now so that you don’t have to complain…you just don’t have to read it.

Telling the truth to your friends about how you feel is a tricky double-edged sword (like most things that are worth figuring out in life).  This is one of THE hardest things I have ever had to learn…and I’m learning it mostly by failing.  My drive is to always better the quality of my relationship, which cannot be done if I am hiding something of dire importance in my back pocket.  Mostly because, if I am hiding something I seem disconnected and uninterested, translates into the idea that I don’t like or enjoy that person.  And honestly, if I were on the other end of it, which I have been MANY times, I would feel the same way.  So truth and the telling of it is important to deepen and strengthening of friendships. 

There are three factors to telling the truth to your friends (I think): motive, timing, and delivery.  I’m terrible at the latter two…and seemingly terrible at the first, so I’ve been told.  But before we even get to those we, as the individual telling the truth, have to decide to be honest.  This, this is where the rubber meets the road.  Inside your head you have been telling them the truth for weeks, maybe even months or years.  The idea of actually saying it out loud and to their face is a terrifying prospect.  You often don’t have a really good solution for solving this problem that you have brought up either.  You just know that it is a problem and want to talk it out to find a solution, a happy middle ground were you can both go on being friends and loving each other.    Often times, however, it looks as though the “pros” are completely outweighed by the “cons.”  Most people do not enjoy being told that there is something wrong and that it is partly their problem.  They are often resistant to the idea and can become volatile or shut down (depending on their personality).  This neither solves the problem nor makes you feel good about saying anything.  This keeps you from being able to talk “peaceably” with them.  Although I guess you aren’t really thinking about being peace-able anymore.  You are probably just thinking about the fact that it took you forever to get the guts to say something and then when you stuck your neck out their and said something, “as is your right,” you got shot down and told that you are wrong for even saying something.  Many marriages die right here.  But honestly, I think that people don’t think that you are “wrong for bringing it up.”  They just can’t wrap their mind around the idea that they are wrong.  It hurts the pride too much and requires a certain bit of honesty within themselves. 

Back to the three factors, at which I am terrible but know them to be the reasons for my weakness in delivering something which I find to be more precious than…well, than having friends at all (which if you know me at all you know is VERY valuable to me).

Motive-God made sure that someone in the Bible mentioned that truth without love is incomplete.  I realized while I was writing a speech about truth that God says that He is two things, truth and love.  Jesus says, “I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life.”  And in 1John 4:8 it says, “He who does not love does not know God, for God is Love.”  And just as you cannot separate the qualities of God from Him, you cannot separate them from each other.  At least not if you want to be effective.  Another thing that must be remembered in this category is that love is not proud and does not boast.  Going with a humble heart is the best way to convey that you are coming in love and not just bringing up faults for the sake of proving the other wrong. 

Timing-This one seems so simple and yet…not.  The reason why this becomes a cloudy area is because we allow things to just fester inside of us, building up as time goes on.  So by the time we actually say something it is so much bigger to us than it truly needs to be.  If we would humbly mention it when it was first occurring then there would need to be four page long one-way letters written…just a one-second-long statement that launches into a two-way conversation.  However, if it so happens that bringing it up the first time is not possible then it needs to come up as soon as it can.  Whether when the irritant or hurt is rehashed or whenever it is that you can bring yourself to be honest.  Also being sure to not just lump a ton of things all into one conversation because that will leave the other person feeling raw and picked apart. 

Delivery-This one is really a combination of the other two.  But there is a little bit more to it.  I often come off as either a whiney, needy person or as someone attacking and bitter.  I don’t really know how to fix this.  Especially when I know that I am neither of these things…but in this area, perception from the other person is everything.  However, I guess it goes back to motive.  Why is it that you are bringing this up?  Is it because you really are, in your heart of hearts, needy?  Or is it because you have allowed it to build up and you truly are angry?  Are you coming to the other person ready to speak the truth with a humble and loving heart?  ‘Cause if you are not, don’t say anything (I’m TOTALLY not good at this).  Allow the Father to work His truth and love into your heart.  Almost like tenderizing meat, which often times is not very gentle but in fact thorough and firm.  That way what is in your heart flows out like water from a fountain and that is what the recipient feels. 

“Sparks fly, and I found You there.  In a glow, then it fades away” (David Crowder Band).  That’s what happens when you argue, when “iron sharpens iron,” sparks fly.  But you find the person you are talking to.  You find what makes them tick.  You find how to better guard their heart and be their friend.  You also find the glory of God that the Father has placed inside of that person for you to learn from…and maybe even make brighter.  God wants us to have conflicts and to resolve our grievances with our brothers.  In fact, in one part of the Bible, He tells us to not even offer a sacrifice until we have sought out our brother and made things right with him.  That’s pretty stinkin’ powerful.  It’s time that we valued it as much as the Father.  Our lives will be full of robust, meaningful relationships instead of a graveyard of hurt, pain, and bitterness. 

Standing here at this crossroads of conflict, again, I know where I need to go.  Do you?