Lately, I have been in the interview circuit. At some point, the person (or people) across the table will ask me a question like the one in the heading. Sometimes at point blank. Sometimes through a barrage of questions. I try hard to represent myself in a way that feels authentic, but I can feel how flat and unmotivated I MUST sound to the other person sitting across from me. It feels awful. I feel like I am lying through my teeth left and right. If the interviewer and I were dueling, I would definitely be defending from my back foot. And boy, does it feel weak.
I am better than this. I believe in myself more than this. And yet, it is only devolving deeper and deeper into “the pit of despair.” All the words will not help me now, I think. I think I am past words. I think I have been for a while.
And this is where I have been for some time. Truth be told, a long time. And the only one really letting me down, is me.
What a bummer crime. Because I am awesome, but I don’t show it. I choke it out because fulfilling the “prophecy” I laid for myself is easier than living up to the potential energy that swirls inside. I kill the good, pretending it is a sacrifice. In fact, it’s a sacrifice that no one is asking for, not one gods damned person. And what is worse, I keep coming to this realization on deeper and deeper levels and continue to LET IT happen!
This is my dragon to slay. I don’t think anyone created this. I am no victim. I think this is just the foe that I MUST defeat in order to emerge victorious in my life. She is a mighty bitch of a beast, that woman in the mirror. I am only sorry I was not brave enough sooner.
Suit Up! For tomorrow, we hunt dragons!
Eating My Way Through It 