Alone

“Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.”
–Oh the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Suess

Until recently, so little of my life has been spent TRULY, bodily alone.
-I am the oldest of six children, with only nine years of difference between me and my youngest sibling
-After living in close quarters with my siblings, I moved to college…which was =) college
-Then, I moved back home
-I left my family’s home to immediately be married
-Hell! Even after ex moved out, I still had a roommate!

Even still, I hated that line in Dr. Suess’s commencement ceremony speech turned children’s book. I felt alone and I couldn’t imagine being more lonely than I already was. And, for those of you who actually know me, no, these years weren’t only loneliness. I had people to fill my world and I love(d) them while they were there. Still, I knew when I was in my early 20s, before I was married, that I should really move out. Give it a go on my own. I was terrified and so not ready to live in the kind of quietude that living by yourself affords you.

Now, I am here, on the doorstep of 40 and I am ever so alone.

I know you are reading this thinking this is going to QUICKLY roll into a sad woman’s tale of learning to love cats, knitting/crocheting, and binge-watching true crime (or maybe that it already is). You can breathe easy. I am the happy owner of dogs (and no, my dogs and I do not have matching anything). I’ve been knitting since I was in college (so, it is not a new skill). And I hate murder mysteries unless they are of the Agatha Christie bent. =) ALSO!

I am finding that this loneliness is one of the most full and vibrant of my life. Sure, it is hard to be sick knowing that it is only me who is available take my dogs out, which sucks for them, but also…my space is mine. My time is mine. My words are mine. My decorations are mine. My comfort level is mine. It feels like tasting freedom for the first time, ever.

I am truly honored and delighted to find that this time alone is bearing fruit. I think, in the recesses of my mind, I once thought that if I spent my time unobserved it would all be a wasted. I think that was part of the fear I felt in facing the cavern that is living alone. The other part of the fear I held was that the silence alone would suffocate me. Yet, I have been so grateful to find that the silence in this season is (mostly) peaceful. I chase it. I find myself smiling into it.

I know I am new to this season and, perhaps, it will grate on me when the honeymoon phase wears off, but for now I will revel in the ease and peace of it. I will allow my cups to overflow with gratitude that “I am the master of my fate” and “the captain of my soul.”

And you know what? I think, among many people, I have Brian Regan to thank for part of this. His bit about “all by myself” has challenged my mind numerous times as I have cried to myself about how I have no one around. In this bit, he wonders aloud about the change of the phrase “all by myself.” He asks when it turned from a moment of pride (ala “Look! I did this all by myself!”) into the tear soaked “all by myself” of Eric Carmen. And when I hear myself saying something like the latter, I ask myself if I would be proud of someone else doing it. Normally, I would be and, either way, I can choose to be. What an honor it is to be proud of myself for ticking things off my to-do list or living through that (major or minor) trauma or making time to get my work out in. I find myself actively working to make my life independent of the praise of others. Not because community isn’t important instead because I want to take accountability for my choices and know that I can choose them again and again with no one there to watch me.

In this effort, I find the most freedom of all.

“And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!”
–Oh the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Suess