On another platform there was a prompt for writing that really caught my heart. It asked the writers to discuss what Winter Rituals they may keep. This (maybe, of course) brought forth ideas specifically of “Christmas Rituals”
……..’tis the season after all.
And as I searched my memory to find one consistent Winter/Christmas ritual, what I landed on is this:
Every year, I go through a similar cycle. Some might attribute it to seasonal depression, but I think it is Christmas derived. Every year I start the Christmas season (which begins the day after Thanksgiving, in my humble opinion), despondent and a little hopeless. How will I ever pull off Christmas season and make everyone happy? How will I honor all the traditions? Most importantly: How will I do all of this without digging deeper into the pit of financial slavery?
This struggle leads to declarations of minimal to no celebrations. If I can’t do it big/how I want to do it, then why even celebrate? It is just a church appointed holiday drunk on capitalism after all! The hubbub is NOT what the winter season should be about either! This should be the time for rest, recovery, hibernation.
And, until last year, the day after day of living in the real world would wear away at my resolve. The Christmas songs would weddle their way into my brain. The Christmas movies would lull me back into love with the day of wonder and magic. Until, finally, I was purchasing presents for everyone last minute and filling stockings with oranges and little candies. Hell, I would even make sure the dogs got something for this sweet day.
Every year the same. Deep depression > Love > Elation. It was predictable…and it sucked.
I am SO grateful that I did not have to live through that last year. Last year, I let myself off the hook as much as I wanted to be. So, I watched Christmas movies but did not decorate or do anything special. And for the first time in a long time I breathed a little easier through the season. It was great!
This year, I was tempted to head down this road again. Maybe Christmas isn’t so bad. Maybe I can try, without pushing myself deep into the spiral that always ends in weeping. I gave myself a day to try it on. I watched a frivolous Christmas movie and made myself peppermint hot chocolate….and by the time the credits rolled I was headed down a dark mental path. Within the next hour, I experienced a mini version of the well known Christmas roller coaster. I resolved, as I wiped my eyes and nose from my crying jag, that Christmas was just not for me…officially.
There is no Grinch-heart at roost in my chest. I just think that Christmas means something specific (something, also, beautiful) and I think that I just don’t align with it anymore. To be free of this winter ritual feels like a great relief. No longer do I need to hustle or bend myself into knots to “accomplish” this holiday that, even in childhood, dogged my darker days of the year. I am still delighted to be a part of the smells, flavors, vibes, well-wishing, and even singing of the holiday. I just refuse to give into the guilt-trip of modern Christmas.
Don’t worry, I will be okay. There is no need to wish for a Miracle on 34th Street kind of experience for me. If anyone needs me, I will be eating a bowl of Matza Ball Soup and enjoying the beauty of a restful winter.
If you would like to join me, here is my Chicken Soup without a Recipe, and then you just add Matzo Balls!
Happy Holidays! May the warmth find you no matter how you spend the dark days of winter!
-A
