A couple years ago, my brother-in-law came to live with my ex and me. It was awkward as hell. Honestly, I would not have chosen it for that season of my life. Yet, I have HUGE amounts of gratitude that it happened.
Around that same time, I was also beginning to reopen my exploration of the spiritual world. I had really been holding myself out of it for a while. I did not want to get involved. Spirituality had been so important to me as I was growing up but it had also burned me. I was afraid to re-enter that world and end up in another flimsy life raft that was not able to go the distance or sustain me through what I felt life was throwing my way.
One night I was doom-scrolling through Instagram and I heard a snippet from Abraham Hicks in a reel that basically said something to the effect of “I do what makes me happy because it makes me happy because I believe that my purpose in existing is to experience good things..” Imagine my confusion when I went searching to find out who the female speaker was and learning that her name is Esther but the entity who speaks through her goes by Abraham. My formerly evangelical mind was SOOOOO resistant to the idea of “a legion” speaking through this woman,
but what she voiced was ringing true in my soul….even if I also wanted to fight it.
What if the only reason I was put on this planet was to enjoy my life, to find joy in the experience of it? What if there was nothing more to suss out or weigh? All I needed to do was choose to enjoy my life and things would begin to fall into place for me. It seemed a little far-fetched and short-sighted but I was willing to try. Hell! It wasn’t like I was getting anywhere using any of the other avenues.
After I had contemplated on this idea for a while, the spirituality conversations with my brother-in-law began. Had I ever experienced the supernatural? Yes. What did I think life was all about? I wasn’t sure but I was beginning to think that I would like it to be about enjoying the “good and perfect gifts” I had been given through the living of my life. Then came the harder questions.
Did I believe good things should happen to me?
How does a recovering non-denominational Christian answer this question?! In the eyes of that faith, you “deserve” to go straight to hell but you are saved by a benevolent God. So, what “should” happen to me is only bad and I should be grateful for the crumbs of what is provided (I know this is an abused over simplification but this is how it once felt in my soul). At first, I fought with him about this. I was coming to believe, however, that the reality I wanted to live in, whether it was fake or not, was that I deserve good things to happen to me….always.
Did I ever make things happen?
I was pretty sure that I had no control over the outcome of my life when he originally posed this question to me. I wanted to, but I felt like the exact opposite had been proven. No matter what I did or believed, the outside world was going to exert itself on me and I was simply going to have to react the best I could.
On and on, the exploration went. All along he would say to me, “You just have to change the story.” The conversations were deep and sometimes heated. I battled myself. I battled him. I battled the world around me. I didn’t think it could be as simple as “changing the story” that I told myself on the inside. But, again, what did I have to lose?? Nothing. Not a damn thing.
So, I kept applying it.
I started to tell myself that life was worth living. I started to tell myself that I could choose what happened to me next. I started to tell myself that if I looked at the positive things that were happening in my life, they would multiply.
And then one of the darkest seasons of my life fell on me.
I had already begun the work of thinking that that every moment of my life was a moment in which I was allowed to choose where to put my focus. Was I going to allow someone else’s actions (which I cannot control) to control how much joy I saw in my world? Or was I going to optimize every second and pack in as much joy as I could? Was I going to choose to pursue beauty in all the forms that our world DOES have to offer?
“This is my life, am I who I want to be,” to paraphase Switchfoot.
I started asking myself that….often. When I came up against a “No,” I started to game plan, “Great! What steps do I need to take to get where I would prefer to be?”
First, my inner world changed. Then, the way I spent my time changed. Then my whole world changed.
The darkness was still dark. After all, I was losing a marriage that I loved, which meant the axis around which my whole world revolved. My support system was shifting and NOTHING felt certain. I felt like I was humming a merry tune while being led to the gallows…..like a crazy person. And yet…
And yet, my world is better for it.
NOW! I am NOT one of those people who can tell you that overnight everything has been cured. That all of my problems have been washed away. That everything is rainbows and butterflies. Instead, I can tell you that when the rainbows and butterflies show up I, not only notice them, but I also feel their beauty on a deeper level.
This is not my manifesto. This is a growing understanding of who I am and how I got here. Chew on it for a bit, and then tell me what you think.
